31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 15 - Forgive, No Really Forgive

Forgiveness is necessary on not only an emotional, but also a spiritual level. The root word, and its derivatives are mentioned some 95 times in the Bible. That lets us know that forgiveness is not only vital to our emotional health, day-to-day well being, and also our eternal souls. Below, are compiled articles which help shed light and offer hope to those whose joy has been stifled because they have been unable to free themselves from the bondage of unforgiveness.

Are you able to easily let slights from other people roll off your back, or do you tend to hold onto resentments? Some people carry around anger from as far back as childhood. Other people wake up with a clean emotional slate every morning. And then there's the vast space in between the two emotional extremes.
If you have a little trouble forgiving the major and minor things people do to disappoint you, you're not alone.

Although forgiveness brings many benefits, particularly to the ‘forgiver,’ to forgive is not always easy. In fact, many people who would like to let go of anger and forgive are stumped with the question of how to forgive. While everyone may have a unique perspective on how to forgive, the following strategies have been proven effective for a variety of people.

In contemplating how to forgive someone, it may or may not help to express your feelings to the other person. If the relationship is important to you and you would like to maintain it, it may be very useful for you to tell the other person -- in non-threatening language -- how their actions affected you (see this article on conflict resolution for tips). If the person is no longer in your life, if you want to cut off the relationship, or if you have reason to believe that things will get much worse if you address the situation directly, you may want to just write a letter and tear it up (or burn it) and move on. It still may help to put your feelings into words as part of letting go. People don’t need to know that you’ve forgiven them; forgiveness is more for you than for the other person.

Look For the Positive

Journaling about a situation where you were hurt or wronged can help you process what happened and move on; however, the way you write about it and what you choose to focus on can make all the difference in how easy it becomes to forgive. Research shows that journaling about the benefits you’ve gotten from a negative situation -- rather than focusing on the emotions you have surrounding the event, or writing about something unrelated -- can actually help you to forgive and move on more easily. (Read this piece for more on that forgiveness research.) So pick up a pen and start journaling about the silver lining next time you find someone raining on your parade, or keep an ongoing gratitude journal and forgive a little every day.

Cultivate Empathy
While you don’t have to agree with what the other person did to you, when working on how to forgive, it often helps to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Research has shown that empathy, particularly with men, is associated with forgiveness, and can make the process easier. Instead of seeing them as ‘the enemy,’ try to understand the factors that they were dealing with. Were they going through a particularly difficult time in their lives? Have you ever made similar mistakes? Try to remember the other person’s good qualities, assume that their motives were not to purposely cause you pain (unless you have clear indicators otherwise), and you may find it easier to forgive.

Protect Yourself and Move On

One of my favorite clichés is: ‘First time, shame on you; second time, shame on me.' Sometimes it’s difficult to forgive if you feel that forgiveness leaves you open to the future repeats of same negative treatment. It’s important to understand that forgiveness is not the same as condoning the offending action, and it’s OK (and sometimes vital) to include self-protective plans for the future as part of your forgiveness process. For example, if you have a co-worker who continually steals your ideas, belittles you in front of the group, or gossips about you, such ongoing negative behavior can be difficult to forgive. In fact, blanket forgiveness of someone who is continually hurting you isn’t necessarily a good idea for your emotional health anyway. However, if you make a plan to address the behavior with human resources, move to another department, or switch jobs to get out of the negative situation, letting go of your anger and trying to forgive will bring the benefits of forgiveness without opening you up to further abuse. You don’t need to hold a grudge in order to protect yourself.

Get Help If You Need It

Sometimes it can be difficult to forget about the past and forgive, particularly if the offending acts were ongoing or traumatic. If you’re still having difficulty knowing how to forgive someone who’s wronged you in a significant way, you may have better success working with a therapist who can help you work through your feelings on a deeper level and personally support you through the process. When you’ve been hurt, figuring out how to forgive can be difficult. These strategies should be helpful in your journey of letting go and releasing the stress of the past.

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 14 - Pay It Forward

Spreading joy in this cynical, burden-laden world in which we live is no small order, but it’s not impossible. There are numerous quotes reaffirming the idea that if you want to change the world, you have to start by changing yourself, but what does that mean? Some people get the idea that only a celebrity concert or popular TV show could reach the masses with a positive message or that you have to be wealthy.

The overwhelming realization that this may never be their reality brings a feeling of resignation; they drop their dreams and go back to life as usual. But what if it is much simpler? What if you really can look inside and affect change?  If you are interested in such an idea, this is a great place to start.

Essentially, the concept of “pay it forward” consists of paying someone else (a third party) with a good deed for what another has done for you. When the third party asks how he can pay you back, ask him to help someone else in need, or pay it forward.

I find it interesting that for every one of the seemingly innumerable Grinches out there, there are also a few good-guys; those who give and give – and give some more never think they are doing enough.  Case in point: I posted a simple question on the Facebook news feed earlier today. I posed the question, “I wonder who cares?” Without prodding me to expound on my question, three of the four people who responded immediately said they cared and further stated that if they had more money they would do more. It came as no surprise to me that these three responded the way they did. They are indeed loving, caring individuals who I know for a fact are constantly digging deep to help others – whether they know them or not.

The Pay It Forward exercise ends up helping a different person every time and keeps the good energy flowing forward, generating more and more good deeds ahead. You may never know how far the chain gets, and how many lives it touches, but as Mother Teresa once said, “If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one.”

People Paying It Forward
How can you get in the game? Try practicing the pay-it-forward philosophy in your own life. Still not sure how to do it? These resources may help motivate you:

* PayItForwardFoundation.org is the website started by author Catherine Ryan Hyde and the Pay It Forward Foundation. Here you will find classroom resources, tips for starting your own pay-it-forward revolution, bumper stickers, wristbands and links to other informative do-good websites.

If you are a teacher, use these resources to start a yearly pay-it-forward project in your classroom. Perhaps it will catch on to the whole school, community and who knows, maybe some future teachers in your class may take the project to their own students some day. You can then post your stories on PayItForwardMovement.org to share with the world. Now that is truly a good chain to create!

You don’t have to be a teacher to touch lives—start your own pay it forward group with friends, family members and the children in your life. There are no specific rules to follow; the key is to get started.

* The Residence Hall Association of Syracuse University (where my son attended and play basketball – Go Orangemen) started a Pay It Forward Campaign to help increase community service efforts on and off campus. Can you take this to your school or your child’s? Are you an alumna or alumnus who can suggest a pay-it-forward program to your former alma mater?

Another popular pay-it-forward act has been where someone pays the bill at a retail store or grocery market for the person behind them in the checkout. That has become quite popular here in the U.S.

I started a movement online several months ago by simply promoting businesses of my Facebook friends who were entrepreneurs, I called it Pay It Forward Friday. It was very gratifying and brought joy not only to the business owners, but to me as well. Since my endorsements were completely unsolicited, it caught them off guard and they were absolutely elated.

The Bible says, "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." Luke 6:31

Doing good deed for others without expectations of anything in return for yourself is indeed a joyFULL experience. Give it a shot.

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 13 - Seek Life's Lessons from an Elder

My dad schooling me on the fine art of grilling steaks

So here is a photo of my dad and I. That's right, I said my DAD. He might not look like it  (and he sure doesn't act like it) but he is a card-carrying senior citizen.  When we're young, we really don't want to hear much from the adults in our lives, particularly if their hair is gray and their skin is sagging. But oh how I wish I could hear from my grandparents.

It's amazing how I am able to recall many of the home remedies my grandmother used for me when I was a young'un. I even use some of them with my grandchildren because to tell you the truth, they work as well or even better than prescribed medication. People call that "holistic" medicine nowadays (my grandmother would laugh at that.)

I also miss my Nana's cooking lessons, advice on how to stretch a dollar and how to handle parenting young adults. But fortunately, she was there for me when my girls were teens.

Older people have a wealth of wisdom to share because they've been where most of us are trying to go. It doesn't matter whether they only received a 3rd grade education like my grandmother, who worked as a domestic/granddad had even less education and worked at Ford Motor Company's Rouge Plant, a high school education and worked as a first line supervisor like my mom; or a doctorate degree and was a top level corporate executive level like my dad.  They ALL have and had sage wisdom to share.

I could have saved myself a lot of heartaches, headaches and even money if I'd sought their advice early on. Now I cherish the memories I have from those who've gone on and I embrace the wisdom my parents are able to pass on to me.  At age 56, and a grandmother myself,  I'm inclining my ear to my mom and dad's lips because when I grow up, I want to be just like them.

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 12 - Store Up Self-Encouragement

Several years ago, we coordinated a marriage retreat sponsored by the Marriage and Family Ministry at our church. One of the fun exercises we assigned the couple prior to attending the retreat was to create a beautiful receptacle in which they could deposit loving thoughts about their spouses. We held a contest for the most attractive boxes. The couples really enjoyed doing this assignment together. The wives were to write their notes on blue paper and the husbands were to write "sweet nothings" on pink paper. The purpose of this exercise was to store up good thoughts for those inevitable turbulent times that we all experience from time to time. The couples decorated all sorts of boxes made out of a variety of materials.

The 12th Habit I'd like to share with you is somewhat similar. There are times when we don't feel good about ourselves. Even the most optimistic person has days when she feels like a loser. Create your own Encouragement Box and fill it with positive, uplifting thoughts about yourself.

1. You can use any type of paper or card stock you'd like to write down or type affirming words about yourself.
2. Purchase or create a  box, or any other receptacle you'd like to use. Unleash your creativity when creating the box.
3. Keep the box where it is easily accessible
4. Use it whenever your ego needs a boost. We're all entitled from time to time.

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 11 - Write a HOT Love Letter to Your Husband

Get yourself some pretty stationary. Write, sign, seal and deliver a love letter to your husband. Remind him and yourself of what made you fall in love with him in the first place. List the things you love about him today. Describe what you hope your life with him will be like in the future.

Once and a while, write something HOT! Go into detail! If you dare to, enclose a sexy picture of yourself. (But if you do this, I recommend that you hand deliver it.)

Resist the temptation to use the wonders of technology! No sexting, emails, faxes, voice mail, etc. Go totally completely old school.

Sign the letter with the pet name he uses for you. Last, but not least, spritz it and the envelope with a sexy cologne. This demonstration of love is bound to create JOY. Happy writing!

Want to be a little more creative? Here are some unique ideas.

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 10 - Dare to Dream and Beyond

Take the plunge!

Do you have a deep seated desire to do something that you've never tried - or never openly explored? Have you always, for example, wanted to paint a portrait, write a stage play or cook a gourmet meal but never tried? You should. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us regardless of how young or old; or even the great results of the most recent physical examination.

I have a personal goal to die empty. I've heard it said that there are countless unfulfilled dreams lying in the graveyard. I don't plan for mine to be among them.


Don't be afraid to explore. Give it a shot, what's the worse thing that can happen? Stretch beyond what you know, who you currently in your inner circle. Learn a new skill, meet some new people, go to a place you've never been before, do something you've never done before. S-T-R-E-T-C-H

Here are only some of the things I  hope to accomplish.  This list below is not definitive, nor is it  a set of goals. A goal is well defined; has a deadline, a strategic plan of action and a system for tracking. What you see below is basically a wish list. The next step is to transition these wishes into goals.

1. Learn to speak French fluently (I was pretty good in high school)
2. Sharpen my math skills 
3. Learn how to operate my fancy camera
4. Run a marathon
5. Skydive
6. Write a mystery series, a hit stage play and at least 2 marriage manuals
7. See a play on Broadway
8. Travel, travel and more travel
9. Host a writer's retreat at a luxurious venue
10. Earn an award

 At this point you might be curious to know what I actually plan to do now that I've identified a wish list. Well, there are a couple of things that are more to the forefront than others.  I'll share.

Number one is travel. There are two trips in particular that I want to take. The first is actually around the corner. I'd like for Rick and I to celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary (which is April 3rd) on either a Caribbean cruise or at an all inclusive resort so I'm going to contract my travel agent and arrange the trip. Maybe I'll go skydiving then!

Another is earn an award.  To date (and to my knowledge) my novel has never been nominated for any literary awards. I've never paid much attention to the hows and whys of literary awards, but there are hundreds out there.  I learned years ago that it's perfectly fine for authors to nominate themselves and until recently I still thought that to be a bit self-promoting. Um, well it is but so-what?  So I will be exploring various awards and nominating my book or myself as author of the year.

I wrote a marriage book a few years ago but never really felt it was ready to release to the public and didn't know what it was missing. Now I know and will be giving it a complete overhaul including the cover and possibly the title. And I'm proud to announce that the light bulb finally came on for my husband and he wants to co-author a book with me.

So that's part of what has been floating around in my head. How about you? What are some of your latent aspirations? Tell us about them. It's amazing how much closer you come to realizing a dream once you begin talking about it. By the way, if someone doubt you - who cares? When you accomplish it, the overwhelming feeling of accomplishment will bring you joy.

 Don't let your age deter your dream

Disclaimer:  I am not in any way endorsing that you do anything that is immoral, illegal or considered dangerous by public opinion.

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 9 - Write a Personal Mission Statement

Several years ago, when I as having a not-so-joyFULL day, I had to remind myself of why I was even  placed on this earth.  I had been care-giving for my mom and both my maternal grandparents, raising children, being a loving wife, trying to run a home-based business and all of the other responsibilities go along with womanhood. Up until that point I was proud to wear my imaginary Super S/hero badge and allowed myself to believe I could do it all the time with a smile on my face.  

However, one day I simply lost it. As my 6-year-old granddva would say, "my corners were turned down" (of my mouth that is.)  I heard myself utter words that I hoped would never escape my lips, "God I want my life back!" But then the Lord clearly retorted, "This IS your life."  I stood corrected.  It was then that I realized and began to embrace the fact that above all the things I thought I was called to do and had been educated, gleaned experience and skills in, care-giving was my calling for this particular season of my life.  

A short time later, I composed a personal mission statement which my husband was so impressed with and felt in sync with, that he's kept a copy of it hanging on the wall at work for years. Something I didn't even do. I allowed it to remain on the hard drive of several computers ago and hadn't even thought about it until the Lord gave me today's "HABIT" to share with you.  Fortunately for me, Rick simply had to look over his shoulder to read it to me.  Interestingly enough, every word of the personal mission statement I wrote over a decade ago still rings true today.  You may already have written one, perhaps circumstances or your life's assignment have changed. If so, like a curriculum vitae, it's time to update it. Spend some time tuning in to the still small voice of the Lord as He dictates to you, the blueprints of your destiny.

My Personal Mission Statement

I was placed on this earth to serve.

First to serve God, then to serve my family and finally the world community.

I have been blessed with an abundance of gifts and skills, therefore I accept the duties and challenges that God assigns me with faith in Him and confidence in myself.

Knowing that He would never delegate to me a task  He doesn’t qualify me for.

And let us not be wearing in well doing for in due time, we shall reap if we faint not. Galatians 6:9

A personal mission statement is a description of your values, interests, hopes and aspirations. It is the definitive synopsis of the focus of your life and the blueprint for your future. Composing your personal mission statement and electing to pattern your life around it empowers you with clarity, decisiveness, insight and foresight, and guides you gracefully through life's challenges and transitions. Formulation of a mission statement requires deep contemplation, thorough evaluation and thoughtful expression to produce a precise written expression of our divine purpose. Your mission statement becomes the architecture of the intentional application of your vision and values. It is the benchmark for everything in your life. With that in mind, you will be able to develop your own compelling personal mission statement.