31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 31 - Have a Love Affair!

Draw me, we will run after thee: the king hath brought me into his chambers: we will be glad and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine: the upright love thee. SOS 1:4

Of the 31 habits I've shared this month, I'm sure some on you have wondered why I'm been virtually silent when it comes to talking about your husband. The reason is that I wanted to drive home the fact that we have to learn how to consistently rely on the joy that only comes from God - and contentment with who we are before we can expect to have the added benefits that come with a lifetime covenant partnership.

It has been my experience from coaching countless wives and wives-in-training, that there is a misinterpretation of where joy and contentment truly originate from - and how they are sustained. Having said all of that, I provided 30 recommendations for taking the responsibility of making you happy out of the hands of your husband; or anyone else for that matter, and leaving it with you.

As I've said to married people many times, your spouse is NOT responsible for making you happy. Once you embrace that principle, you can begin to see yourself and your spouse as God does, love deeply and genuinely, and have the unspeakable joy that is mentioned in the bible.

Still, I can imagine that some of you would like to know how do you keep your love alive? How do you fall in love all over again?

Research on successful marriage suggests five actions you can take to fall in love again – to incur the passion you once knew in your marriage. Here they are in nutshell:

1. Research has revealed time and time again the importance of the “loving touch.” The human touch is paramount to the most basic of all human connections. So, the first thing you must do in re-establishing the passion of your relationship is to touch! Touch often. Touch much. Hold hands when you walk. Take turns wrapping around each other in bed at night. Feel the warmth. Feel the love. If you pass your spouse 100 times a day, touch them 100 times. By doing so, you are acknowledging their presence and you are telling them how much you love them. You cannot express love without the human touch. Get started today!

2. Engage in a process that allows you to re-establish the communication links between the two of you. Start with these three questions:

1. Why did we fall in love?
2. Why did we get married?
3. What are our hopes and dreams for the future?

The communicative links between the two of you are highly important and no love, no marriage, and no relationship will ever be jump-started again without the re-establishment of the communicative ties that bind. Getting serious about communication in your relationship is among your highest priorities. Get started today! Check out our “Seven-Week Program for Developing Ongoing Sharing in Your Marriage” in the appendix of our book, Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage.

3. Work hard to have fun with each other! Dine out at your favorite restaurant. Spend a night in a motel. Take a vacation to Disneyland, just the two of you! Cook a romantic dinner at home. Whatever you do, do something that ignites the passion and the fun! Do something that takes your relationship “beyond boring.” Do something together that makes your lives exciting and fun-filled. Marriages can fall into the doldrums but it doesn’t have to be that way. Rediscover what makes you excited, what gives you a sense of adventure, and what makes your adrenalin flow! Successful marriages are not boring! Plan a passion starter today!

4. Upend expectancies! Do not always do that which is predictable. Here’s an example. One of the lovely couples we interviewed a few years ago told this wonderful story. Their life together was getting too predictable and too boring. At 85 years of age, they were both entirely too focused on “settling in.” They would sit in front of the TV, rarely talking, and content with their station in life. Shoot, they were both 85 years old they thought! But as they shared with us, it didn’t have to be that way. When Clarence came home from a golf outing one glorious Sunday afternoon, he was met by his beautiful wife, Grace, at the front door in her “altogether.” Grace thought, “What the heck, if I can’t get him interested in anything but golf and TV, I will just meet him at the door naked. Maybe he will get interested in me!” As it turns out, Clarence got the message. Of course, what happened after this homecoming episode they didn’t share with us! The most important lesson is this – Clarence and Grace decided that upending expectancies was a good thing from time to time! Try it. You be surprised at what can happen!

5. Tell your spouse how much you love them and why! Never, we repeat, never, fall into the trap that says, “I don’t have to tell him/her I love them, he/she knows I do.” Nothing could be further from the truth! People who love people are the luckiest people in the world, of that you can be sure. And to tell the one you love, “I Love You” and to do it often, makes them even luckier! Never take the one you love for granted. Big mistake! To love people is wonderful. To tell them you love them is amongst the greatest gifts you could ever give. Start today.

You see, the rekindling of love is not so complicated. Don’t make it so. Just take these five simple actions and you will re-ignite your love affair with your husband.

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 30 - Detox

It's not rocket science - the healthier your temple is, the more joy you will experience. One thing that is vital to having a healthy body is ridding it of the harmful toxins we eat, breath and are exposed to. Here is my buddy Shelita Williams' article on how to detox. For more information about weight loss and other ways to take control over your circumstances, visit her on the web.

10 Simple Ways to Detox!

Posted In Health and Fitness

Every day we breathe in, eat, and have toxins floating around in our system causing sluggish metabolism, increasing our chances of cancer, diabetes, heart disease and the list goes on. I know you are super busy but I also know you want toReign in Health and Fitness. I put together a few simple things you can do the get rid of the excess toxins and improve your health!

1. Drink fresh Juice; Apple, Beet, Cucumber and Ginger are specific for detoxification. It’s best when you are doing a juice fast but you will still reap benefits if you don’t.
2. Drink distilled water; Your kidneys are organs for detoxification. When you don’t drink distilled water your kidneys have to work too hard to get rid of the toxins in the water so you won’t eliminate as many toxins from your body if don’t drink distilled water. Don’t drink it for more than a few weeks at a time as it also removes minerals from your cells and bones.
3. Add lemon to your water! It helps to detoxify your liver, get rid of gallstones and aids in digestion of your food.
4. Raw unfiltered apple cider vinegar; Not only is this a natural antibiotic and antiseptic but it also dissolves crystal buildup in tissues and joints that cause the stiffness of old age and often manifests itself as aching muscles, joints, and arthritis. Add 2 tablespoons to a glass of water.
5. Take Deep Breaths! The Lungs are organs of detoxification, so not only will it help you to relax and relieve tension but deep breathing exercises will help you to detoxify. Doing Yoga helps you to practice deep breathing. Using a Vaporizer and adding eucalyptus, tea tree oil, menthol or specific herbs like comfrey will help with the toxic elimination.
6. The Skin is the largest organ of detoxification. Every pore of your body is an opening, an escape route for waste material. Using natural fiber brushes or loofas helps to increase circulation thereby increasing the elimination of toxic matter.
7. Use a Sauna or take a steam bath to help eliminate toxins via the skin.
8. Sweat it out! Just plan old exercise, you know the kind that works up a sweat, you can even put on a sauna suit to increase your body temp and your sweat production.
9. Your Liver is probably the most important detoxifier of all the organs because it takes poisons and renders them harmless. Drink juices specifically for the liver such as wheatgrass, carrot, beet, dandelion, parsley, lemon, grapefruit, apple and spinach. A teaspoon of olive oil added to lemon or grapefruit juice stimulates the release of bile by the gallbladder. They also have teas available. A moist heating pad on the liver can stimulate circulation and detoxification. Physical manipulation assists in detoxifying the liver because it mechanically stimulates the organ. A good masseur/masseuse can knead and pump the liver like a baker kneads bread. I know when I get a colonic the therapist massages my liver during the colonic.
10. Of course colonics and enemas help eliminates the toxins from your colon. Did you know that toxins from the waste that stays in your colon gets redistributed back into your blood stream and causes infections, colds, headaches, weakness, fatigue, acne, etc.

If you are ready to Reign in Health and Fitness, lower your blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar and get rid of those excess pounds find out the 10 keys that I utilized to lose over 80 pounds and keep it off because not yesterday, not tomorrow but right NOW is YOUR time to Reign in Health and Fitness! Click Here to find out more

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 29 - Embrace Your "Signature Self"

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. Psalm 139:14

Nowadays "brand and branding" are buzz words that are for the most part used for business purposes. The way a personal brand differs from a business brand is you're not trying to get "out there." You're not making an effort to get noticed; instead, you are making a statement that says "I own who I am." I'm known for changing my hair. It's not that I am struggling with getting it "right." It's that I love the flexibility and the fact that I have so many options to choose from. Some of the people I know actually look forward to the next style or color my hair will be. I get a kick out of that.

Your signature self is comprised of components that make you feel good about yourself and are based primarily, if not solely on your sense of style. It might be a signature fragrance, the fact that you wear a particular color, your hairstyle; or you might be known for your confident stride.

Caution: let your signature self to develop and flow naturally. Don't force it or you will appear to be an insecure copycat. Whatever sets you apart from others while making you feel great in your own skin, embrace it and celebrate your YOUniqueness with joy!

The 31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 28 "Eat Your Way to Less Stress"

You're overwhelmed, overtired, and in desperate need of some mental and physical nourishment. You're stressed. What can you do beyond throwing in the towel and hiding under the covers? Thankfully, you can relieve stress by eating certain foods and avoiding others.

Tara Geise, a registered dietitian (RD) in private practice in Orlando, Florida, and a spokesperson for American Dietetic Association says, "One of the keys is avoiding things that will give your body and mind real highs and lows like caffeine and alcohol. You don't want to intake a lot of stimulants or a lot of depressants when you're stressed." Geise also recommends skipping that sugary snack you crave when the stress builds up. "Sugar causes your blood sugar to spike and then fall quickly, which can make your energy level dip," says Geise. "Then you're low energy and stressed and that's not a good picture."
Not to worry -- there are many foods you can eat that will help with your stress levels.

Asparagus This green veggie is high in folic acid, which can help stabilize your mood. "When you're stressed, your body releases hormones that affect your mood," says Geise. "Eating certain vitamins and minerals like folic acid and B vitamins can help keep your mood steady because they're needed to make serotonin, which is a chemical that directly affects mood in a positive way."
Recommended Serving Size: 7 spears, 1/2 inch thick, cooked, 25 calories

 

Beef Even though beef often gets a bad rap, it's a great dinner option for a stressed-out family. Beef contains high levels of zinc, iron, and B vitamins, which are also known to help stabilize your mood. "People think they should stay away from beef, but it's very nutrient rich, even compared to chicken," says Geise. Ask your grocery store butcher for a lean cut if you're concerned about fat content.
Recommended Serving Size: Scant 1 cup of raw lean ground chunk, 137 calories Scant 1 cup of regular ground beef, 310 calories

Milk Milk is high in antioxidants and vitamins B2 and B12, as well as protein and calcium. Have a bowl of whole-grain cereal and low-fat milk in the morning to start your day with a stress-fighting breakfast.
Recommended Serving Size: Whole cow's milk, scant 1/2 cup, 66 calories Two percent cow's milk, scant 1/2 cup, 46 calories

Cottage Cheese and Fruit Cottage cheese is high in protein and calcium. "Foods with high protein content that aren't loaded with sugar won't cause a spike in blood sugar and will keep you satiated for a longer time," says Geise. Try mixing the cottage cheese with a fruit that is high in vitamin C like oranges. Vitamin C plays a role in fighting stress because it's an antioxidant that fights the free radicals that get released when you're stressed. These free radicals have been shown to cause cancer.
Recommended Serving Size: Creamed cottage cheese, scant 1/2 cup, 79 calories One percent fat cottage cheese, scant 1/2 cup, 72 calories 1 orange, 60 calories

 

Almonds Are you ever looking for something you can really dig your teeth into when you're stressed? Try crunching on almonds to get some aggression out. A good source of Vitamin B2 and E, as well as magnesium and zinc, almonds are high in fat, but most of the fat is unsaturated. Like vitamin C, vitamin E has been shown to fight the free radicals associated with stress, and in particular, those free radicals that cause heart disease.
Recommended Serving Size: Shelled almonds, 1/3 cup, 306 calories

Blueberries Very rich in antioxidants, blueberries offer a high-fiber, low-calorie fruit option that is also rich in stress-fighting vitamin C. Try them with cottage cheese or as a snack on their own.
Recommended Serving Size: Blueberries, 2/3 cup, 30 calories

Tuna A great lunch option, tuna is high in stress-fighting vitamins B6 and B12. Tuna is also a good low-fat protein source. "Don't load tuna down with fat by using a lot of mayonnaise," cautions Geise. "Choose a light mayo instead."
Recommended Serving Size: Tuna canned in brine, 3.5 ounces drained, 99 calories Tuna canned in oil, 3.5 ounces, drained, 189 calories

Cornflakes or Crispy Rice Cereal Although they aren't low in sugar, cornflakes and crispy rice cereal are fortified with B vitamins and folic acid to help reduce stress. Have them for breakfast with milk. Geise also recommends having them dry as an afternoon snack.

Recommended Serving Size: Cornflakes, 1 cup, 108 calories Crispy rice cereal, 2 cups, 111 calories

Reduce stress, increase joy!

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 27 - Make Your Surroundings Lovable

After a long day, our homes are places where we want to feel supported, at peace, inspired, and free to be ourselves. In a nutshell, our homes should be sanctuaries for our bodies, minds, and spirits. They should be restorative and far from the stress-filled world of work, child or elder care, and even church obligations. But if your house isn't the sanctuary you need it to be, here are five tips to help you create that calming atmosphere, without breaking your bank:

Go with the flow

Place a small fountain near where you spend a lot of time — perhaps at your computer desk, or in your living room — and let the sound of moving water soothe you.

You can also make a fountain yourself with a small water pump (often found in aquarium stores and pond suppliers, for less than $10), rocks from your garden, and a bowl. Some of the best fountains are the ones that are homemade. (Mine is actually in my pond outside and living in Michigan, that's NOT an option until well into spring. However, there are lots of soothing table top fountains available. Also See our top 10 Beautiful, soothing indoor fountains

Plant a little happiness

Bring living plants into the house that not only add beauty to the surroundings, but that also bring in healthful oxygen and purify the air.

Plants can take in stuffy air filled with carbon dioxide and pollutants and turn it into healthful oxygen. Through a process of metabolic breakdown, the leaves of certain plants absorb harmful organic chemicals and destroy them. Spider plants excel at this feat. Even formaldehyde, a highly toxic substance, can be metabolized and converted into harmless substances by the humble little spider plant.
The most important rooms or areas to start with when using plants are those places where you spend the most time. Your bedroom, where you spend many hours sleeping, and your workspace are two places to start. In your bedroom, place a healthy plant on each side of your bed, on bedside tables. Next, place plants near where you work. For example, put plants right next to your computer if you use the computer a lot. For all of the other rooms in the house, like the living room, or kitchen, place two or three plants in the corners, depending upon the size of the room.
The best air-purifying plants are the following: areca palm, red palm, Boston fern, Australian sword fern, rubber plant, weeping fig, bamboo palm, Chinese evergreen, English ivy, gerbera daisy, mass cane/corn plant, pot mum, peace lily, and spider plants. They range from $5.00 for a small spider plant or English ivy starter, up to $80 for a large red palm. Some of these can be picked up at your local nursery and others can be ordered on line.

Smells so good

Introduce beautiful scents and aromas into your home. These can come from natural sources like sprigs of evergreen trees, cinnamon brooms, scented flowers, or herbal essences. Different plants and herbs produce different beneficial results. For example, lavender is an excellent stress reliever, spearmint can help bring greater mental clarity, and anise has been known to help to relieve menstrual cramps.

You can prepare a bath with herbs, as well to get a direct infusion of their healing and aromatic properties to your body.
For a quick way to bring a hearth-like and warm homey aroma into your home, try this: Sprinkle 1 teaspoon of cinnamon, and a 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla into a pan filled with 2 inches of water and heat on the stove until steam rises from the mixture and permeates your home.

Bring in the beauty of nature

Arrange natural objects that in locations throughout the house.
For example, place beautiful shells around the sink or on top of a cabinet in the bathroom, or smooth stones on your desk. The best part about using natural objects to beautify your home is that not only are they free, but also they help you create a unique and relaxing setting to come home to at the end of a hard day.

Now hear this

Play natural sounds like bird songs, crickets, rain falling softly, or flowing rivers. These natural sounds can immediately relax you and even make you feel more inspired.
One of our favorite providers of real nature sounds is www.naturesounds.ca. Be careful not to purchase artificial nature sounds. These claim to be natural sounds (like surf breaking, rain falling, etc), but are noises that are actually mechanically created in a studio... and they're just not the same.

Creating space and actually utilizing a space to unwind and detox your mind is an excellent way to add JOY to your day.

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 26 - Upgrade Yourself

Repost

Give Yourself an Upgrade

By Amy Phillips-Gary

How long has it been since you've given yourself an upgrade?

In these times and conditions dominated by downsizing and scaling back, it may have been quite some time since you've upgraded yourself or your life. 

A national food chain recently ran an advertisement on tv that showed co-workers riding an elevator up to their offices in the morning. One woman held in her hands a breakfast sandwich and coffee while speaking with a colleague with a very very tiny and disproportionately small waist because he's been “tightening his belt.”

The problem with the constant belt-tightening and scaling back that many of us are doing is that it often results in an overall feeling of constriction. Not only are you limiting the amount of money you spend, you could also box yourself into a very tense and tight place largely because of the fear and expectations of lack and scarcity that can accompany a downsizing mindset. 

Let me be clear here...

As I encourage you to upgrade yourself and your life, I'm not advocating that you max out your credit cards or bombard yourself with material objects.

The kind of upgrade that I'm recommending starts on the inside with a shift in attitude, perception and expectation and it almost always extends to your outside body, career, health, finances, relationships and life. 

 

When you upgrade your computer or laptop, sometimes you go out and purchase a brand new model that is shinier and features more options. Upgrades also happen inside the computer. Perhaps a larger RAM is installed in your existing machine. Maybe some new programs are downloaded. Often old files are deleted or placed on a memory stick or some other kind of external storage device.

The effects of a computer upgrade are usually quicker and more efficient operations and/or expanded options and features. 

There are so many ways that you can upgrade yourself and your life. If you feel overwhelmed or at a loss when you consider what to upgrade, try this exercise...

Find a quiet and comfortable space where you can be uninterrupted. Place paper and a pen near where you are sitting or reclining. Move your attention to within yourself. Focus mostly on your breathing. If you know how to meditate, you can use meditation techniques to help. 

Clear your mind from the busy-ness of your day and slow yourself down. Once you are relaxed and your mind is relatively clear, ask your future self to communicate with you. Just invite your future self into your awareness. This future self is ultimately wiser and more experienced than you are now because she or he has already made it through the current challenges you might face.

Ask your future self to share with you a few of the expansions in yourself and your life 1 year from today. You can write these down on your paper to remember them. Now ask your future self what has changed about you and your life in 5 years and then 10 years. 

If feelings of resistance, doubt or fear come up, make note of those, but continue to listen to your future self. This exercise can help you become clearer about the areas of your life that you might begin to upgrade in the near future.

Your encounter with your future self isn't meant to cement your actual future in stone. This is merely a sparking point to put into motion potential and desired change.

Your life is up to you to create and it is always changing. When you allow for an upgrade and then take inspired action, you nourish growth and expansion.

Look at the notes you took during the “conversation” with your future self. Are you particularly drawn to any of the areas listed? If so, choose one area in which you will begin to upgrade. Start to consider what an upgrade to your health, your financial state, your relationships, your physical living and working space or other areas might look like. 

From this vision of the upgrade you chose, you can begin to open up to changes in your habits, your responses and your activities that will move you closer to actually living your vision.

Take your time and be gentle with yourself as you make changes. Each time you encounter inner resistance to the upgrade you want, return to your vision and to the eager or hopeful feelings that accompany it.

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 25 - Be Outstanding!

Excerpt from "An Enemy Called Average" by John L. Mason

"A majority, many times, is a group of highly motivated snails. If a thousand people say something foolish, it's still foolish. Truth is never dependent upon consensus of opinion.

In I Peter 2:9, the Bible says of us Christians, ...ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Romans 12:2 exhorts us, And be not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye many prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

One of the greatest compliments that anybody can give you is to say that you are different. We Christians live in this world, but we are aliens. We should talk differently, act differently, and perform differently. We are called to stand out.

There should be something different about you. If you don't stand out in a group, if there is not something unique or different in your life, you should re-evaluate yourself.

One way to stand head and shoulders above the crowd is to choose to do regular, ordinary things in an extraordinary and supernatural way with great enthusiasm. God has always done some of His very best work through remnants, when the circumstances appear to be stacked against them. In fact, in every battle described int he Bible, God was always on the side of the "underdog," the minority.

Majority rule is not always right. It is usually those people who don't have dreams or visions of their own who want to take a vote. People in groups tend to agree on courses of action that they as individuals know are not right.

Don't be persuaded or dissuaded by group opinion. It doesn't make any difference whether anyone else believes, you must believe. Never take direction from a crowd for your personal life. And never choose to quit just because somebody else disagrees with you.  In fact, the two worst things you can say to yourself when you get an idea is: 1) "That has never been done before," and 2) "That has been done before" Just because somebody else has gone a particular way and not succeeded does not mean that you too will fail.

Be a pioneer, catch a few arrows, and stand out." - joyFULLY [emphasis mine]

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 24 - Make Yourself Feel Pretty

I know we "deep thinkers" like to tell people stuff like "beauty's only skin deep," "beauty comes from within,"etc., but what REAL woman doesn't want to feel pretty at least sometimes? If that were not the case then why are the beauty and fashion industry faring so well, even in this so-called lean economy? When I was a member of Mary Kay Cosmetics' independent sales force, one of the many mantras that rang true was that cosmetics is a recession proof industry. Granted, you may find the need to scale back from MAC to Maybelline, but we women are still going to buy make up, jewelry and clothing to make ourselves feel good. To that I say amen and I'm not ashamed.

What I want to encourage you to not view your desire to look and feel pretty as vain or carnal. There is some type of correlation of the way a person esteems themselves to how they feel about their physical appearance. Yes, of course there are extremes and I'm not talking about people who are addicted to nips and tucks, shopaholics and the like, but every now and then we need to create and execute a session of retail therapy - including an appropriate spending plan.

So here is your assignment, should you choose to accept it:

PLAN a shopping trip include a list of what you want to buy and how much you can afford to spend.
Select a date
Decide whether to bring a friend along or if you want to do shop solo


*Just a suggestion: If you're in the habit of shopping a chain stores or at the mall, consider visiting a boutique.

• You'll get more personalized attention
• You're more likely to purchase garments that are mass produced
• You'll help an entrepreneur

Finally, DO NOT use this particular shopping trip as reward for shedding pounds unless you happen to already be at your goal weight.  The object of this HABIT is to stimulate your joy juices right where you are - whether you're currently a size 6 or a size 26.

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 23 - Give Yourself Permission to Be You

Originally Posted by Seed Sower Deb at 10:39 PM

The teacher said,"the brain can be trained."
Hmmm, thought I, "Can this be true?"

On he continued...

"You see, your brain was configured by God,
So we can think on Him and live life in peace and harmony.
In the Garden of Eden, at the beginning of time,
There was no pain, no dissension, only unity and joy divine."

Train the brain still I thought? Hmmm, does this hold the key... along with the Spirit who now dwells within me?

The key for me to be united, disciplined, and sync'd with He?

Will this let me be the me He intended when He created me?

Regardless of the pain, grief, and heartaches that tend to...come my way.

Sure, with His Word at hand, a quiet heart, and my mind turned toward Him, it is then I can hear his voice;
Through all of this, He ensures my mind will be transformed,
To the conformity of His Son.

Okay, I say, a brain can be trained, with both sides working in unison.

I immerse my thoughts deep in Him, The Word,
Trusting, believing, my mind begins to conform... Toward a mind like His.

My heart and soul by Him was won.
Redeemed.
Bought with His blood.
His plan all along.

My brain truly was designed to think on Him,
Having the potential to believe, have faith, and be disciplined;
To love Him above all others, love one another, and have peace and joy within.

So yes, I say my brain can be trained.
So I can be free to be me and united with Thee.
To have the mind of Christ.

For it is freedom Christ came, and whom the Son sets free is indeed free.
Free to be the me that person He intended me to be.

I am exiting now from the widened road that keeps me so distracted and traveling so
fast.

I can now begin to travel the narrow path which moment by moment will lead me so Him. Training the brain to be in sync with Him.

What a journey... free to be me which He intended all along.

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 22 - Stop Drama at the Door

Throughout our lives, at one time or another, we have, and will continue, have to deal with drama. We will be put in testy situations we would much rather avoid.

Avoidance is not going make drama go away. As a matter of fact drama thrives in an passive/aggressive environment.
Recurring drama is cause by:

• Jealousy

• Self hatred

• A need for attention

Regardless of the symptomatic cause, you can't allow someone else's mania to dictate your home, finances or peace of mind. That's what I call job robbing.  As sympathetic as you'd like to be, there comes a point when you have to draw a line in the sand. In other words create boundaries. This is sometimes difficult, if not painful but unless you want to spend the rest of whatever time you have on earth devoid of joy, you're going to have to do what the moniker on the T-shirt above says.

Here is a bit of advice that we could all use on handling these inevitable occurrences with a bit more finesse.

5 Tips for Dealing with Drama

1.  Know better. Realize that when others go out of their way to put someone down, there is usually some underlying reason.
2.  Don't get involved. If and when someone decides to insult you, the best thing you can do is smile and state "no comment." There is no reason for snide remarks and comebacks. Just smile and change the subject, and let them know that you refuse to be bothered by such immature and futile tactics. They're wasting their time, and embarrassing themselves when you don't let it bother you. It is better to finish the conversation sooner without being insulted.
3.  Get over it. The person who is trying to bring you down is first and foremost trying to get a reaction out of you. If you play it off like it doesn't bother you (even if it does) then they automatically lose. Make a mental note to stay away from this person until they learn how to behave properly, if ever they do. Let them work out their own internal struggles themselves.
4. Vent only to someone you truly trust. Sometimes we do need someone to lend an ear so we can get a few things off our chest. But don't make the mistake of ranting to everyone who is willing to listen, no matter how secret they promise to keep your quotes.
5.  Don't feed into it. Don't let the person see that you're getting upset because that will give them more incentive to keep on going.

 

No More Drama, Mary J. Blige

Tired of drama running your house?  Detroit area residents can attend a workshop on Saturday, February 2.  Click here for the details about the "Not in My House" workshop.

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 21 - Amp Up Your Money Smarts

Hello,

"My name is Venus and I am investmentally challenged (yes, I know that's not a real word.)"

When it comes to giving a hoot about investing, I admit that at this stage of my life I am just getting there. However, the handwriting is without a doubt on the wall and I know I've got to get into the game. By the way, I'm not the least bit discouraged because I've waited this long. Timing is everything and I believe that what God has for me is for me. Since I don't know diddly about investing, I researched some blogs and thought the one below might have some great starter tips.

I also plan to purchase a book written by Gail Perry-Mason, (no known relation) an acquaintance who knows really knows her way around the Dow-Jones, and that jazz. I plan to devour the book  as I joyfully, take charge of wealth building for my future and to build a financial legacy for the future generations of my family. Girl, Make Your Money Grow, is Gail's second book and was written with co-author Glinda Bridgforth made national best seller status.

Detroiter Gail Perry-Mason has come a long way, from foster care to caring for others. Gail is a respected authority in the financial industry. And now she can add bestselling author to her list of accomplishments. And it’s her years of experience, coupled with her down to earth but also down to business style that has made her a sought after speaker and presenter. Gail maintains a packed schedule of media and speaking engagements. She regularly addresses capacity crowds educating people on financial literacy and has conducted financial training sessions and workshops for companies such as DaimlerChrysler, IBM and Wells Fargo. Gail’s wisdom also hits the airwaves and she co-hosted an award-winning talk show entitled “Building Wealth,” via radio broadcast on MIX 92.3 and a television broadcast on Comcast Cable and currently has MIX Money Minute on Clear Channel every Sunday. She has appeared on all the local Detroit television networks, and on national outlets such as BET, Fox News, PBS, CNN, MSNBC, and NPR Radio.


Gail  also recognizes the necessity of teaching youth the importance of money management and she founded and directed the original Money Camp for Teens and the first youth investment club. Each year Gail hosts a Money Camp for Youth, which has instructed over 6,000 young people in the Detroit-Metro area and mentored over 25 young women who are now professionals in the financial industry. Currently she is conducting a program in the Detroit Public Schools that teaches financial literacy and outlines the steps to entrepreneurship.
 

Blog Repost:

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5 Ways Women Can Be More Confident Investors

A recent survey says many women are risk averse. Here's how to build your courage — and your portfolio.

posted by Kerry Hannon, July 18, 2012 More by this author

Kerry Hannon has spent more than 25 years covering personal finance for Forbes, Money, U.S. News & World Report, and USA Today. Her website is kerryhannon.com. Follow her on Twitter @kerryhannon.

Women are typically the chief financial officers of their households. They pay the monthly bills, cut the tuition checks and make sure groceries are in the cupboard. They even manage the mortgage, as I noted in my Next Avenue post about women and homeownership. The bottom line: Women make financial decisions every single day.

But for some reason, that money muscle doesn’t translate into mojo for boomer women when it comes to investing, according to a study just released by Prudential, Financial Experience & Behaviors Among Women.

"It baffles me — where is that lack of confidence coming from?" asked Deborah Owens, author of A Purse of Your Own, when she appeared on a Prudential panel discussing the study in New York City last week. "Women really do know about finances, but that doesn't transfer over to the investing side."

(MORE: Women Need to Get Serious About Emergency Savings)

Some Surprsing Statistics About Investing

The study's statistics about female boomers' lack of investment confidence and their aversion to financial risk are startling and, frankly, a little depressing:
 

• Only 24 percent feel “very well prepared” to make financial decisions; 13 percent identify themselves as "financial beginners."

 

• Less than half (47 percent) are willing to take some risk for the opportunity of a greater financial reward.

 

• When describing the types of investments they prefer, a striking 56 percent are only interested in "guaranteed" financial products.

 

• And 68 percent describe themselves as "more of a saver than an investor."

What really upsets me is that I’ve been interviewing women and writing how-to books about women and personal finance for nearly two decades, but the song remains the same: When faced with investment decisions, most women in their 50s and 60s have a deer-in-the-headlight reaction.

The Problem With Being Financially Conservative

Of course, these days, investing is scary for everyone, male and female. Markets are volatile and the economy seems stuck in the mud. That's no excuse for women to steer clear of stocks, however, or to avoid finding ways to become more confident investors.

Keeping your cash in guaranteed financial products is fine for your rainy-day emergency fund, but not for the retirement dollars that need to grow over time. (Returns from stocks generally outpace the interest you can earn on CDs and Treasury bonds over the long term.)

Being too conservative with your money has lasting repercussions. It can mean you won't have enough to live on in retirement, especially when you consider that most women will be solely responsible for their own finances at some point in their lives, due to either divorce or the death of a spouse.

When I ask the money pros what gives, they say it comes down to financial illiteracy.

(MORE: How to Steer Clear of Investment Scams)

5 Ways to Become More Confident About Investing

Once women understand how the stock and bond markets work and learn the difference between investing for growth, income or a combination of the two, they invest just fine. Here are five ways to build your confidence:

1. Take small steps. “I think the most important thing women can do to gain confidence is to realize you don't have to know everything to get started,” says MP Dunleavey, editor-in-chief at the DailyWorth website. “There's an immense value in just beginning the investing process with, say, an S&P index fund” — investing in a broad variety of U.S. stocks — “or a target-date fund." (For details, check out my Next Avenue post on target-date funds.)

Dunleavey recommends finding a buddy who also wants to become a more confident investor and discover ways to educate yourselves together gradually. "Remember that few investing decisions are irrevocable,” she says.

This advice is spot-on. One good way to start investing regularly is by putting $50 a month in an automatic investment plan, transferring the cash from your bank account to a mutual fund. Some no-load mutual funds will waive or lower their minimum initial investment requirement if you sign up for their automatic plans. I like investing this way with index funds (which let you diversify among stocks or bonds) from low-cost mutual fund firms like Vanguard, Fidelity and T.Rowe Price.

2. Ramp up your education. You can learn the basics by taking a personal finance course at a community college or by attending investment seminars sponsored by a nonpartisan group like the American Association of Individual Investors.

If you have a 401(k) at work, make at least one new investment decision with it this year. For example, if your entire 401(k) account is in a supersafe choice, like a stable value fund, move a little bit of the money into stocks. Or if your 401(k) stocks are all based in the U.S., put a small portion into international stocks.

Some companies bring in outside financial advisers to offer investment talks over lunch. Check with your employer — and sign up.


3. Learn online In her Next Avenue article, "How Women Who Have Never Invested Can Get Started," Ann C. Logue noted some great sites to explore, including The National Endowment for Financial Education’s Smartaboutmoney.org, which has free guides that explain stocks, bonds and mutual funds. (Next Avenue has some helpful investing articles from the National Endowment for Financial Education as well.)

I also recommend two money sites that are oriented toward women: Dunleavey's DailyWorth and LearnVest. Both let you sign up for regular emails that provide personal finance tips.

Another site I particularly like for women is called WISER, which is operated by the nonprofit Women’s Institute for a Secure Retirement (WISER). This site has an excellent, straightforward tutorial on the basics called Investment 101, as well as many articles for women looking for more sophisticated investing advice. The group also offers workshops across the country.

4.  Join an investment club. The Prudential survey found that women like to collaborate and prefer to take their time understanding investments before purchasing them. So consider learning the ropes and having some fun simultaneously by joining an investment club, maybe with a group of co-workers or friends.

Investment clubs typically meet monthly at a member's home, the office or the library, and require monthly investment contributions of $25 to $50. The National Association of Investors Corp. (NAIC) can help you start a club. Once you become a member of this group ($79 a year) and sign up for its Better Investing program, you'll have access to the NAIC's online classes and webinars, research reports on particular stocks and investment tools.

5. Find a trustworthy adviser to work with. I prefer fee-only financial planners who don't make money from commissions on products that they sell. As a rule, I think you should look for one with the Certified Financial Planner designation, awarded by the nonprofit Certified Financial Planner Board of Standards.

Three national groups of financial planners offer searchable databases with contact information: The National Association of Personal Financial Advisors, The Financial Planning Association and The Certified Financial Planner Board of Standards.

As I wrote in an earlier Next Avenue blog, "Women and Financial Advisers: A Rocky Relationship," some money professionals don't treat women very well. So tread carefully before hiring a pro.

To become a more confident investor, you'll want to be sure that your expert has your best interests in mind.

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 20 - Phone a Friend

One of my nearly life long best friends has lived miles away from me for well over 20 years, maybe even closer to 30. Needless to say we don't talk as we used to but in our hearts we're still besties. As I write, I'm making a mental note that it's time I give her and actually two other really close friends. Sometimes it's surprisingly refreshing to catch up with a girlfriend. Also, receiving an unexpected call from you might be just what she needs to uplift her when she is going through a difficult time. Now, we can have face time with those who are across the country or across the globe thanks to technology.

There have been times when I my friend and I have connected and learned that each was just about to call the other. Laughing, talking and sharing with your ace-boon-coon-fruit-of-the-loom is a marvelously joyous activity.

Give your long lost buddy-girl a shout-out!

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 19 - Take a Mental Health Day

Once in a while, we superwomen need to simply let the world save itself so that we can recharge and replenish. Not an easy task since everyone in our immediate sphere seems to think we do actually have super powers. We sometimes dangerously believe the myth as well. I'm going to make this post short and sweet because it doesn't need a lot of explanation.

Take a day every now and then to indulge yourself in something that makes you just plain feel good all over. Schedule the day off work or if you can get away with it, call in to say you won't be in.  Yes, you could do this on the weekend, but it kind of lets the air out of the balloon when everybody else is crowding the space you're trying to lose yourself in.

This would be me on my mental health day, but my audio book is missing from the picture.

Write down a list of things you'd like to do that are different from what you would do on a normal day off. This list absolutely, positively cannot include doing something for anyone who isn't living inside your skin. Then, when the time comes, do it!

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 18 - Retrain Your Brain

The Uses of Right-Brain, Left-Brain Theory

While often over-generalized and overstated by popular psychology and self-help texts, understanding your strengths and weaknesses in certain areas can help you develop better ways to learn and study. For example, students who have a difficult time following verbal instructions (often cited as a right-brain characteristic) can benefit from writing down directions and developing better organizational skills.

If the theory is true, I would be considered a "right-brainer."  My interests and behavior are more "artsy," intuitive, creative and emotional.  Hence, my love for writing, mentoring, art and music.  You may be a "lefty" who is more dominant in critical thinking, bean counting and organization.

Regardless of which side brain you tend to operate from more often, it's good but sometimes challenging to find a balance and that can cause you to be a royal pain in the derriere - and they can reciprocate. Flip your brain's script ever so often. Here's an example, I'm almost handicapped when it comes to math, but as I mentioned I am passionate about writing and other arts. I recently began dabbling aound with an online brain training game to exercise my left brain "muscles" more.  It's fun and makes me feel like I'm gaining some smarts (which, in case you haven't already guessed, brings me joy).  Eventually, I might even take on a real thinker's game like chess or Manscala. 

Try this!

What Is Left Brain - Right Brain Theory?

According to the theory of left-brain or right-brain dominance, each side of the brain controls different types of thinking. Additionally, people are said to prefer one type of thinking over the other. For example, a person who is "left-brained" is often said to be more logical, analytical and objective, while a person who is "right-brained" is said to be more intuitive, thoughtful and subjective.

In psychology, the theory is based on what is known as the lateralization of brain function. So does one side of the brain really control specific functions? Are people either left-brained or right-brained? Like many popular psychology myths, this one has a basis in fact that has been dramatically distorted and exaggerated.
The right brain-left brain theory grew out of the work of Roger W. Sperry, who was awarded the Nobel Prize in 1981. While studying the effects of epilepsy, Sperry discovered that cutting the corpus collosum (the structure that connects the two hemispheres of the brain) could reduce or eliminate seizures.

However, these patients also experienced other symptoms after the communication pathway between the two sides of the brain was cut. For example, many split-brain patients found themselves unable to name objects that were processed by the right side of the brain, but were able to name objects that were processed by the left-side of the brain. Based on this information, Sperry suggested that language was controlled by the left-side of the brain.

Later research has shown that the brain is not nearly as dichotomous as once thought. For example, recent research has shown that abilities in subjects such as math are actually strongest when both halves of the brain work together.

The Right Brain

According to the left-brain, right-brain dominance theory, the right side of the brain is best at expressive and creative tasks. Some of the abilities that are popularly associated with the right side of the brain include:

• Recognizing faces
• Expressing emotions
• Music
• Reading emotions
• Color
• Images
• Intuition
• Creativity

The Left Brain

The left-side of the brain is considered to be adept at tasks that involve logic, language and analytical thinking. The left-brain is often described as being better at:

• Language
• Logic
• Critical thinking
• Numbers
• Reasoning

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 17 - Choose to Thrive

Philippians 4:11-13  (KJV)

Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

I'll be honest I've been very blessed all of my life. Of course I've had dark seasons as all of us will; but in comparison to what some have experienced, I have nothing to complain about. Having said that I don't take it lightly that many people suffer adversities and challenges that would make my worst day seem like a trip to Disney World. I find it interesting though,  that many of the most accomplished, satisfied-with-life people in the world are those who have not only made a decision to survive their circumstances, but to thrive. Whatever is going on in your life right now, make a decision that from this moment on, you will look to God for guidance, healing, comfort and to be the source of all that you feel is wrong with your life. 

View this video in it's entirety. After viewing, if you something doesn't spark an unstoppable initiative to thrive in you, have someone check your pulse because clearly you're not breathing! 

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 16 - Apologize

On Day 15, I talked about the joy that is wrought from forgiveness. Now I want to bring to the forefront the power and joy that comes from the flip side of forgiveness which is to offer a sincere apology.

Unless you're one of those rumored human beings who has no flaws, there is somebody, somewhere who has a legitimate "ought" with you - and you have yet to make it right. Perhaps you borrowed something and haven't returned it. Maybe you never resolved a dispute with a co-worker. The possibilities are endless but the premise is that you know you should have apologized before now. You're carnally thinking, "It would do more harm than good to bring it up now. He [or she] has probably forgotten about it."  That is correct in some cases; however I believe with all my heart that each of us knows exactly when it's the appropriate time, and to whom we should apologize.

For most of us, sincere apologies don't come easily and it will take some effort. Some cases more than others but whatever you do, be determined to get that monkey off your back. For goodness sake don't let stubborn pride prevent you from extending an apology you know you owe. It will eat away on your conscience until you make it right.  And the offense just might come back to bite you and the fanny. Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

Let me share my own true story; if you've raised teenagers you'll probably be able to appreciate this.  I raised to girls who are 8 years apart. Raising the oldest was pretty much a breeze; then came along her little sister the hell-raiser.  I often semi-jokingly say that if the younger had been my firstborn, she would have been an only child. When little sister was a teenager...Yowzer! The little girl was a PISTOL! I'd done all of the praying, fasting, punishing, pleading, et cet-ah-rah, et cet-ah-rah... I remember being a my wit's end with her. My husband the therapist (by profession) kept assuring me that she would be fine and was going through a phase. I never found that reassuring. My response to him, as always when I can't come up with a quick-witted comeback was, "you just don't understand because you don't have a uterus."

One day, when I was absolutely at the end of my emotional rope, I had an ah hah moment. I'd go to my own mother to apologize to her for my teenage reign of terror. Actually since my grandmother had pretty much been surrogate mom to me the apology should have gone to her, but Nana had already gone on to be with the Lord. However my mom was only physically absent because she worked nights so she knew about most offenses and dealt with me accordingly and on my grandmother's behalf.  Well when my young'un had me on the verge of murder/suicide I believe it was God Himself who urged me to apologize to my mom.  I'm not going to pretend that when I did things instantly improved, but I definitely FELT better, as if some of my burdens had been lifted.  Little by little, and yes as Babygirl began to mature, things continued to improve. But most of all, I had changed. My perspective and outlook on the situation with my daughter inched closer and closer until I began to feel joyful about being the mother of a teen. Yup, even me - even her.

One of the many things I admire about my husband is his ability to admit when he is wrong, followed by an apology. I fall in love with him all over again whenever he does that. I think that above any two people, spouses certainly should be the habit of offering sincere apologies when they have offended one another. But sometimes it seems it's easier to apologize to a stranger than your own spouse. I believe that is a trick the enemy uses to keep us divided, which can be the proverbial "little fox" that destroys the vine - which in this case would be our marriages. By nature most of us are filled with pride but the Bible clearly admonishes us to live humbly and not be driven by pride.

There is an added bonus for married couples

My Final Note

We should apologize to God for our sins/trespasses/offenses. That is also referred to as repentance (godly sorry). Certainly if we owe anyone a multitude of apologies, it's our heavenly Father. And the best thing of all is that He is quick to forgive us.

Read what blogger Duong Sheahan has to say about the effects of a genuine apology.

The Power of Apology

by Duong Sheahan on November 2, 2010

As a wife, parent, friend, and sibling I’ve learned to say I’m sorry a few times in my life…ok A LOT.
I’ll admit that I’ve been a very stubborn individual and it’s taken me years to deal with it. I learned a long time ago that resentment and unforgiveness doesn’t hurt anyone else other than self.
My journey to be whole in spirit, soul, and body required me to let go of stubbornness and deal with unresolved conflicts right away. It’s not always easy but it sets us free.
I love this quote:

“A few things are more powerful than common sense, wisdom & the strength to admit when you’ve made a mistake and to set things right”. Dr. Spencer Johnson, MD

Whether we have mistreated others or have been wronged by others, it is human nature to cry out for compensation or some sort of repayment. All human relationships will at some point require an apology regardless of the nature of the relationship in which we find ourselves.  That could be a marriage, a working relationship, siblings, a dating relationship, or with friendships. And we’re face to choose at some point to apologize if we’ve wronged others, or accept forgiveness if we’ve been wronged.
A genuine apology makes resolution possible. Without an apology, we will harbor anger and resentment. And often times, unresolved conflict lingers on for years. When we apologize, we are accepting responsibility for our actions and seeking to make amends with those who have offended us.
A genuine apology will open the door to forgiveness and reconciliation. This is what the power of an apology will do – it breaks down those walls that have been holding us back from having peaceful and fulfilling relationships with one another.


When we refuse to apologize, we build a barrier in the relationship with those who have offended us and that barrier will remain up and  most likely the relationship will deteriorate.
It will become cold, superficial, and distant. If you’ve experienced that, you know exactly what I mean. Great relationships are a result of a willingness to apologize, to forgive, and to make peace.
After some extensive research on the subject of apology, Dr. Gary Chapman shares in his newest book, The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships,

“When it comes to apologizing, people indeed speak a different language…sincere apologies may not always be received as sincere, and why forgiveness and reconciliation are not always forthcoming.”

As a parent, I’ve had to be humble and apologize when I’m wrong; you’d think it’s easy to do and if you’re a parent, you will understand. There are times when we don’t feel that we need to apologize for a situation. The spirit of stubbornness wants to rule our decisions;  however, being quick to apologize and resolve conflicts with our children will open their hearts and enrich our relationship.

The power of apology will restore broken relationships and produce great, meaningful life-long friendships, marriages, and parent-child relationships. It will also impact day to day interactions with people outside of our circle.

Genuine apologies will soften even the toughest and those with the most hardened hearts.
Is there someone you need to apologize to today? Go for it!

Duong Sheahan, Inspirational & Healthy Living Blogger...Empowering People to Live Healthier and Happier. Duong also co-hosts ChicagonistaLIVE.com;
a Chicago-centric webshow.

31 Habits of a JoyFULL Wife, Habit Number 15 - Forgive, No Really Forgive

Forgiveness is necessary on not only an emotional, but also a spiritual level. The root word, and its derivatives are mentioned some 95 times in the Bible. That lets us know that forgiveness is not only vital to our emotional health, day-to-day well being, and also our eternal souls. Below, are compiled articles which help shed light and offer hope to those whose joy has been stifled because they have been unable to free themselves from the bondage of unforgiveness.

Are you able to easily let slights from other people roll off your back, or do you tend to hold onto resentments? Some people carry around anger from as far back as childhood. Other people wake up with a clean emotional slate every morning. And then there's the vast space in between the two emotional extremes.
If you have a little trouble forgiving the major and minor things people do to disappoint you, you're not alone.

Although forgiveness brings many benefits, particularly to the ‘forgiver,’ to forgive is not always easy. In fact, many people who would like to let go of anger and forgive are stumped with the question of how to forgive. While everyone may have a unique perspective on how to forgive, the following strategies have been proven effective for a variety of people.

In contemplating how to forgive someone, it may or may not help to express your feelings to the other person. If the relationship is important to you and you would like to maintain it, it may be very useful for you to tell the other person -- in non-threatening language -- how their actions affected you (see this article on conflict resolution for tips). If the person is no longer in your life, if you want to cut off the relationship, or if you have reason to believe that things will get much worse if you address the situation directly, you may want to just write a letter and tear it up (or burn it) and move on. It still may help to put your feelings into words as part of letting go. People don’t need to know that you’ve forgiven them; forgiveness is more for you than for the other person.

Look For the Positive

Journaling about a situation where you were hurt or wronged can help you process what happened and move on; however, the way you write about it and what you choose to focus on can make all the difference in how easy it becomes to forgive. Research shows that journaling about the benefits you’ve gotten from a negative situation -- rather than focusing on the emotions you have surrounding the event, or writing about something unrelated -- can actually help you to forgive and move on more easily. (Read this piece for more on that forgiveness research.) So pick up a pen and start journaling about the silver lining next time you find someone raining on your parade, or keep an ongoing gratitude journal and forgive a little every day.

Cultivate Empathy
While you don’t have to agree with what the other person did to you, when working on how to forgive, it often helps to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Research has shown that empathy, particularly with men, is associated with forgiveness, and can make the process easier. Instead of seeing them as ‘the enemy,’ try to understand the factors that they were dealing with. Were they going through a particularly difficult time in their lives? Have you ever made similar mistakes? Try to remember the other person’s good qualities, assume that their motives were not to purposely cause you pain (unless you have clear indicators otherwise), and you may find it easier to forgive.

Protect Yourself and Move On

One of my favorite clichés is: ‘First time, shame on you; second time, shame on me.' Sometimes it’s difficult to forgive if you feel that forgiveness leaves you open to the future repeats of same negative treatment. It’s important to understand that forgiveness is not the same as condoning the offending action, and it’s OK (and sometimes vital) to include self-protective plans for the future as part of your forgiveness process. For example, if you have a co-worker who continually steals your ideas, belittles you in front of the group, or gossips about you, such ongoing negative behavior can be difficult to forgive. In fact, blanket forgiveness of someone who is continually hurting you isn’t necessarily a good idea for your emotional health anyway. However, if you make a plan to address the behavior with human resources, move to another department, or switch jobs to get out of the negative situation, letting go of your anger and trying to forgive will bring the benefits of forgiveness without opening you up to further abuse. You don’t need to hold a grudge in order to protect yourself.

Get Help If You Need It

Sometimes it can be difficult to forget about the past and forgive, particularly if the offending acts were ongoing or traumatic. If you’re still having difficulty knowing how to forgive someone who’s wronged you in a significant way, you may have better success working with a therapist who can help you work through your feelings on a deeper level and personally support you through the process. When you’ve been hurt, figuring out how to forgive can be difficult. These strategies should be helpful in your journey of letting go and releasing the stress of the past.